I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
