So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
