if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
