Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I cockslap morals
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
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She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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