Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
