it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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