I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
