When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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