Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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