what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
