I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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