as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
