this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize