the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
the raccoons are back...
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