Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
