What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
