i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
