Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
