i can juggle bunnies
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”