Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
