He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
