we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
