mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
