note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
