I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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