She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
