I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
