I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
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He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
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Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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