It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize
