your room smells of hookers.
And success
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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