i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
