Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
