There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
