call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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