You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
