fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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