just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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