I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Randomize
