My first STD was from a foam party
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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