We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
