Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
