I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize