A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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