I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
