Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Randomize
