I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
