My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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