best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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