When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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