gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
