Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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