My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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