its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
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