Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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