So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You're like the curious george of whores
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
