I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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